I have decided to follow Jesus...

The last couple of weeks have brought about a lot of revelations for me. I'm realizing more and more how wasteful I am not only with my money but with my time. I've been really convicted over the last few weeks about how I use the resources God has blessed me with, and I'll be honest..I haven't been real pleased with what I've discovered. I think if tomorrow were the end of my time here, most of my life and the blessings God has poured out on me would have been wasted on pursuing selfish ambition and fulfilling selfish desires. I've decided though, not to spend so much time thinking about what I could have accomplished by now but more on what can I do from here.

I heard the song "I have Decided to Follow Jesus" on an album I downloaded recently and heard it in a whole new way. I've generally considered it a celebration song for new believers, but I think it could be a daily anthem for new to seasoned believers as well. In order for me to make better use of my time, my love, my money, and my life I am going to have to decide to follow Jesus and not look back, with "the cross before me, the world behind me." I feel like so many times God has revealed things like this to me and I've been moved for a moment, but not really moved out of place. I think about it for awhile and it changes a few decisions I make, but I haven't let it REALLY change me or my life. God has been a part of my life for a long time, but I don't know if I can honestly say He has ever been my life...and I'm ready for that to change. I'm tired of the lip service, I'm tired of the empty promises to God, myself, and my peers. I have to decide, right now, what is my life going to be about? About me? About my desires and ambitions? Or about God and serving His people? I think the choice is clear...my problem is turning intention into action. But, in the words of another new favorite song, "the time is now."

My Landmark family blew me away yesterday. We had our Advent Consipiracy contribution and it was amazing to see person after person walk to the stage and give from their abundance, give what would have been spent on something meaningless, and literally change the lives of others. I felt like my heart was going to bust wide open yesterday with the love in that room and the love I felt God pouring into my heart. So many times I wish I had "someone" to share that love with, but why hold on to it for a time and relationship that may or may not be a part of my journey? Why not give it away now to those who are desperately seeking God's love?

Anyway, I just got an email this afternoon outlining the donation amounts from yesterday. wow. That's really all I have to say. It is amazing to see what can be done when people are willing to let their hearts move their checkbook. The generosity and the love of the people in my church family will be felt world wide this year, now how cool is that?

"The time is now to hold your sheild.
The time is now to draw your sword.
Let's be the resistance, oh Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord."

Amazing Lyrics...

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alrightLife is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling

And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Just loved the message and the application to almost any and all struggles.
Thought I'd share in hopes they might be the words you needed to hear..

Cleaning House...

I was already crying on my way to church this morning, which should have been an indication that today's service was going to be an exceptionally emotional one. Buddy has been preaching on the Holy Spirit lately and today's message was a real wake up call. He got me right at the end when he asked who we are letting guide our lives...the Holy Spirit? Satan? our Friends? Ouselves?

C: All of the Above...well almost.

He mentioned how frustrating it can be just following Jesus. We see who He is, who we want to be like, but we don't know how to get there. I've been asking that question for months. I know where I am, I know where and who I want to be, but I've been so frustrated trying to figure out how to get there. I want to be the kind of person a friend can count on, I want to be the kind of person who encourages, the kind of person God's love just pours out of, the kind of person who is difficult to anger or fluster - who stays peaceful and gentle in the most stressful of circumstances, an approachable person, a person who sees people the way Jesus sees them - who feels their pain and their joy with them...but how do I get from the wretched excuse I am now...to that person...the person who immulates Christ? Apparently I've been using the wrong guides.

When Buddy posed the question, I immediately generated a mental list of the influences on my life...Holy Spirit wasn't anywhere near the top. How about myself? Using my wants and desires as a guide...seeking my own satisfaction. So then there's Satan because he is using that weakness and guiding me through my ambition for self-satisfaction. Friends, family, and people who's specific attention I crave so deeply. Then...maybe...if I tried really hard to find an example...I might be able to list the Holy Spirit.

My prayer this morning? Clear all the junk out, get rid of all the false guides, the false beacons and compasses to make room for the only guiding light I should be focusing on. So I can hear Him, feel Him, and experience the Holy Spirit in a way I never knew was possible...and maybe as a result...find a deeper relationship with Christ. I've prayed to know Christ better, to love Him deeper, for a more intimate and meaningful relationship with Him...this is obviously the other cleat I'm missing :) That's for Buddy and his analogy :)

I prayed desperately this morning on my way to church to be freed from something that has had me in chains for a long time. I was angry with God...I'd been praying so hard and so long for Him to free me, to help me free myself, to show me a way out and I felt like my prayers were bouncing off a glass ceiling right back at me. Until this morning. I felt like He has been laying the ground work for weeks and months for where He let me get this morning. He had to let me get to a place of desperation to realize the meaning and the hope of the Holy Spirit. I needed Him to show me that even though I feel like everything I've hoped and waited for is so close...that if it doesn't come to pass it would be ok. I needed that peace and that comfort...so today Prince of Peace was the name of Christ that held the most meaning to me.

So to quote Bebo Norman :) This is definately all about letting go...but it's also all about holding on. Letting go of the wrong things and holding tightly to my Savior and His travel guide.


Peace and Blessings,

Ashley

Life is not a snapshot...

Josh Wilson released an album a couple of weeks ago "Life is not a Snapshot," it only has seven songs on it, but it didn't need many more. About three of those seven had some implications for my life tied up in them, either in conviction or comfort.

Without getting too crazy deep, I wanted to share "Right in Front of Me" with you. It was particularly meaningful to me because I had a struggle with doubt this summer that really shook me up. It started with me reading some evidence based books to help me strengthen myself and my knowledge base to help my dad understand why I believe what I believe. In the midst I found myself curious why I believe what I believe. I didn't doubt God's existence, but I couldn't explain HOW He existed. My brain likes to understand how and why something happens, what makes it work, what makes it real. I remember one pretty desperate prayer when I begged to know and just be confident, to not just satisfy my doubts for them to only resurface later, I wanted to rectify them and be done with them.

I had been reading a book about that time that had a chapter about doubts, the author touched on the idea that most people experience a period (or many) of doubt, but the key is - can you believe and have faith in the face of those doubts? I realized that in the process of searching for evidence, asking for something I could see, touch, taste, smell and know was real...that's exactly what He gave us.

This song articulates the things I realized in that week of searching and praying better than I've been able to! I've tried about three times to explain it here but can't do it without being corny or too much...so I'm just going to share the song :) I love the idea that the evidence we need is right in front of us. That is the evidence I came to appreciate - the stuff we CAN see, touch, taste, and smell really is all we need. If you find yourself doubting or confused..take a second to stop and let your senses overwhelm you with the evidence.

Some say we’ve all been searching for a God for years in vain
And some say belief is just the easy way around our pain
And sometimes I’d like to agree when they’re telling me that this is all an accident
Cause it’s hard to let this heart believe when my mind is screaming out I need more evidence

But do I really need more evidence?
I want a miracle, something impossible
So would you help me to believe?
When You say everything that’s right in front of me,
Is all the proof I’ll ever need

I hear it in the winter wind that blows, the icy snow against my skin
And I see it in that summer sun that rises high and then burns out again
And I feel it in my chest in the quiet moments that I trust in what You say

Would you help me trust in what You say?
Maybe this is what it means to question You and still believe
To search and still be satisfied, to know and yet to wonder why
To put my faith things I doubt, to love what I can’t figure out
Maybe this is what it means

To want a miracle, something impossible
But have the faith to still believe
When You say everything that’s right in front of me,
Is all the proof I’ll ever need
Don’t need a miracle, something impossible
That makes You easy to believe
When You say everything that’s right in front of me
Is all the proof I’ll ever need
You’re all the proof I’ll ever need
So would you help me to believe

So obviously one of week of praying and searching didn't cure every question I ever had, but the things I learned during that time give me the faith to believe even when I don't understand, to allow myself to study my questions and search for understanding - without losing faith.

Peace and Blessings :)

Quiet Time and Revelations

So it turns out when I take Dramamene I can read on the bus! Who knew?! I also discovered the awesomeness that is the Podcast. I didn't discover this awesomeness until it was too late to download them however...so I could only listen when we were in good coverage and I could stream them from my phone. Anyway, an Andy Stanley podcast prompted me to see if I could do a little reading...which it turns out...I could!

So the podcast was titled Defining Moments, and this particular lesson (1 0f 9) centered on understanding the truth about God, that we can't just make Him who we want Him to be. That when we refused to see the truth about who God is, we live in the consequences of our thoughts. He also pointed out, that the only way to know the truth about God is to look to the example Jesus set. So I set out in my reading of Luke on the bus Friday afternoon to try and really look at how Jesus interacted with people, who He was, what kind of glimpse that gave me of the character of God. Turns out...Jesus was approachable, patient, gentle, and willing to listen to anyone...even in a crowd of lots of people - like the blind man in Luke 18. He did not say, "no I'm busy, all these people need me and want something from me..you'll have to come back later." No, He stopped...He STOPPED what He was doing, asked for the man to be brought to Him, and he He healed him. So if I'm trying to be more like Jesus, if I'm trying to be a glimpse of Jesus to a group of young men who might not have another chance to see Him...should I not work harder at being APPROACHABLE and willing to listen even when I'm busy? So often, I get so caught up in how busy I am, that their needs and questions become more of a hastle than a ministry. I'm selfish...so how do I become more selfless and approachable, like Jesus?

I moved on to the Psalms. One of the Psalms I read was Psalm 37. Words like trust, commit, be still, and WAIT...seemed to jump off the page all over the place. There are certain things I really want out of life, and God knows these things, He is perfectly aware of the desires of my heart...what I need to do is learn to WAIT, to BE STILL, to TRUST, to COMMIT myself to Him and His way...and this same Psalm offers this promise: "...delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." 37:4. Who knows my heart better? Who knows what I want better? Who knows what I need better? There's not another answer, only God knows those things and He knows them better than even I do.

So now to put it together..in order to be more like Jesus and be more approachable, patient, gentle, kind, and willing to listen...I have to learn to be less selfish. To be less selfish, I have to learn to turn over the desires of my heart to my God and trust their fulfillment to Him. If I spend my time trying to fulfill them myself, there's no time left to become who He wants me to become. Easy to say I know...not so easy to do. I tried to leave a lot of things to Him a week ago and came back for them not long after. My prayer is to learn and develop the confidence and trust in God it requires to really leave my needs, wants, and desires to Him, to allow me the time and energy to become more like Him and more like who He wants me to be.

So Friday's quiet time led to some awesome revelations, some freedom, and some new things to work on. The grip that some of my wants and hopes had on me started to losen up yesterday and were replaced by a sense of freedom that could only be granted by God and I'm trying to stay here, BE STILL, and wait in this freedom and let Him take control.

Peace and Blessings

ashley :)

Hittin' the road again...

We are up and moving early in the fieldhouse this morning. It's time for the Eagles to hit the pavement again. This time up a road I know all too well...65 North...I wonder if they'll be interested in my favorite pit stops? Probably not :) haha Anyway, we are on our way to face the #10 team in the country after a heartbreaking and embarassing loss to the folks across town. This week will say a lot about the character of our team...do we have it in us to step up to the plate and face last week's disappointment in the face of a GIANT opponent? I know a lot of the guys have what it takes individually, but tomorrow will be a test of gut strength of our team as a whole...and I really won't be surprised if we show out!

This season so far has provided me a lot of opportunities to connect with some of the guys. Some returners and some new guys, different struggles and injuries have brought many through my door...some I've connected with better than others...limited only by own temper and compassion. My prayer is still that today I will handle stressful situations better than yesterday and tomorrow better than today. I feel like that's the best way to get after it. I really don't want to sit down at Wings on Nov. 14th and feel like I failed these guys again like last year. I've done better some days, some days are the same...but it's only game 3 and we have 8 more to go...so hopefully I can make these last two months count, because the lesson I learned last year is you never know when it could be your last time to make a difference in a kids life.

Here we go...

GO EAGLES!!! :)

Dreams

Joe Beam spoke at church yesterday about dreams. He challenged the congregation to evaluate their dreams and their courage. Do we have God inspired dreams? And do we have the courage to follow them? What is God pressing on our hearts to accomplish...are we willing to go the distance to get it done?

I would say my dream is very abstract, there are a lot of components to what I want to do, what I want my life to mean. I'm not sure how to define it, how to pull it all together, but over the last 24 hours I've spent a lot of time thinking about it. Problem one: all of the things I let distract my focus. I don't think if God revealed my dream to me I would be able to see it for the fog of distraction. So step one right now is de-fog. I laid a lot of things at the foot of the cross yesterday, realizing I cannot accomplish anything for God if I'm caught up trying to obtain the things I hope to get out of this life. That being said, I'm already having a hard time not going back for them! I need to be willing to sacrifice all of my wants and desires for God's greater purpose - I'm finding some things are easier to give up than others. My prayer right now is that I will not only have the courage, but the strength and the follow through to really be willing to lay all of those things at God's feet and trust Him with them.

Problem two: making sense of all the "dreams" I have, differentiating between dreams and wishes, Ashley dreams and God dreams, and immediate dreams and long term dreams. There are a lot of things I would love to get involved with and make a difference in - foster care, female inmates (women and teens), orphans, third-world healthcare, homeless care, and hospice care...so how do I pick a focus, how do I chose which I am the best suited for? Can I combine some and still be effective? I think what I've found is that the core of my dream is taking God's love to people who are starving for it. Leeland has a new song called "Love is on the Move" that really convicted me Friday when I heard it for the first time. What am I doing to take God's love on the move? How am I taking His love to those who need it the most? Nothing...because I'm too worried about my own personal wants and desires. I've got to re-focus and completely shift the way I look at the world. I want my life to be about sharing God's love and not about fulfilliing my own desires. Now all I'm left with is..how do I do it? The strength and self-control has to come from God, I know that..but it's going to take some work on my part too.

For the time being, I'm taking it one day at a time, one moment at a time, one decision at a time because I know I can't wake up this morning expecting to have accomplished it all.

Less than a month

Until I leave for Africa!!

Preparations are underway..you know - LONG shopping lists, longer to do lists, and lists you have yet to make...all of which seem to grow instead of shrink. By the minute, I might add. But the good news is...I'm SUPER excited! Zero nerves...as of yet :) Those of you who know me, are probably thinking the same thing I am...any day...any day!

It has been a week of revelations for me. The message this Sunday was about integrity, something I have been thinking about and battling with since football ended in November. I don't know if I've ever wanted anything more than to be able to gain control of my emotions and myself in a way that will allow me to be consistent from the inside out and love people consistently across the board...but I think gaining control is going to be losing control. I think sometimes I get so caught up in trying to master this and become who I want to be...I forget to let God in and let Him do the work in me He wants to...to make me the person HE wants me to be. So, my goal right now is #5 from this week's message "DO sweat the small stuff." I'm trying to pay the best attention I can to the tiniest decisions I make, and evaluate how they reflect on my integrity.

I'm sickingly happy right now. I am about as content with where I am, what I'm doing, and where I'm going as I've ever been. I'm excited about this fall and then ministry opportunities it is going to bring with it...I wish I would have realized the opportunities for ministry I have built in to my job a long time ago.

I'm going to make an effort at being productive this afternoon, so maybe I can leave early and even with a sense of accomplishment :)

Peace and Blessings All :)

Legacy...

Buddy started a new sermon series today about leaving a legacy, I think he timed it with Mother's Day on purpose :)

One of the illustrations he used was of three men arguing over the most accurate translation of the Bible.  In the midst of the argument one guy said, my favorite translation of the Bible is the one my mother did.  Obviously the other guys were a little confused, and he explained that no, his mother did not know Greek or Hebrew, but she translated scripture to the world around her by living it out in her life every day.  That is the kind of legacy I want to live...

Something's Got to Change...

I sat down at the computer this morning intent on trying to articulate some of the issues that have been filling my head up but I wasn't sure where to start or how to get it to make sense outside of my head. I started filling up a new playlist on Playlist.com with some Christian songs, to replace the sappy love songs that were only fueling my problems, and I came across this song - "Something's Got to Change" by Josh Wilson and it kind of expressed what I'm trying to overcome. So instead of trying to explain it all right now..I'm going to share the lyrics with you!

I'm also reading "Crazy Love" and realizing more and more how self-centered my life is and it's crazy to realize how the majority of my thoughts each day are focused on...well..me...sad huh?

So here's the song..and once I get more skilled at navigating this blogging stuff - I'll try and put the song here too



I'm thirsty, God, I'm thirsty
From drinking what destroys me
I'm pouring poison in my cup



I'm hungry, God, I'm hungry
Consuming what controls me
Somehow it never fills me up



We all want to find something to pass the time
But that could never be enough
Everybody says we're all so different
But everybody knows we're all the same
We're all trying to find a pill to numb the pain
Something's got to change

Do you remember when you had so much hope within you
It lingers deep inside you still



The more of us we swallow
The more we become hollow
Until we don't know how to feel



We all want to find something to satisfy
But we could never be enough
When everything we say and take just leads to war and hate
We only pass the blame, sedate the pain, and move along
But something feels so wrong, so deep inside, so hard to hide
So desperately we try and try, and come to find that we are not what we've been looking for



I can't believe I'm hearing people say that all is well
I think it's time we all admit we have no good within ourselves'
Cause we are not okay, we're not alright, and we need to pray for help
Forgive us for our pride, Oh God, Oh God, please save us from ourselves

the real me..

This has obviously been an overly emotional week for many of us here at Faulkner. We held a memorial service in the gym yesterday for T and Ryne. Both of the families came in to town for the service and Laurie and Doug did a great job taking care of them while they were here. I was able to spend some time with all of the families over the last few days and they are all amazing people, it's no wonder T and Ryne were such great guys. I was blessed to know T and Ryne and now even more blessed to know their families and their personal stories. I've learned a lot about me this last week and have come face to face with how my orginal assumptions and judgements of people didn't really hold true.

I really believe that while God does not cause tragedies like this to happen, that He will use tragedies like this to reach people and change lives. I can already see Him working amongst some of our athletes. One athlete in particular who I have been so guilty of judging all semseter has been affected really deeply by the events of the last week and is making some huge progress. While I am so excited about the way God is working in his heart, I am also seriously convicted and feel so guilty and unworthy for my relationship with this particular athlete prior to all of this. He and I had an argument on the sideline during a game last fall and I have seen him go up and down, from very respectful - to utterly disrespectful and difficult to deal with all year. Instead of sticking by him and pushing through that stuff - I withdrew. I've done that more than I would like to acknowledge this last year. Instead of reaching out to kids when they probably need me the most, I let go and pull back and only fuel the sense they have that there is no one for them to rely on. Now as two of these guys really start to make strides and are really trying to change their lives, I'm so greatful God has given me a second chance to help them...but so angry at myself for missing the first one.

The real me didn't do a good job at fulfilling my goal for football this last year, which was to really reach people and make a difference in these guys lives. The real me got too caught up in the lack of respect the guys were giving me and the lack of control I had over the situation. In the moments when God probably could have used me the most, I let go. Now, I obviously can't get that time back and it would be pointless to continue to stand still while I hang my head over my failures...but God has redeemed those failures and shown me that even when I fail..He is victorious and He has been able to reach these guys in spite of my weaknesses. I learned a hard lesson of how I treat people when I looked back at my memories of Ryne and T...I wasn't ever mean to them in the real sense of the word, but I definately didn't give them the love, attention, and patience I should have, and they definately didn't see the reflection of Jesus in me I have always hoped to portray...and I don't get another chance with them. But I get another chance with everyone else because of them and because of what their deaths have taught me.

I hope the lessons I've learned this last week about how really unworthy I am for God's love and acceptance will stay with me. I know with time the pain and the hurt will fade, but I pray the lessons I've learned this week will stick around and I can honor T and Ryne by the way I treat people and the way I love people from here on out...that they're memory can live in every nice word and every extra patient moment. I don't know how to keep myself from snap judgements, or even holding on to what I have rationalized to myself as justified judgements, to keep myself free to love like Jesus and forgive like Him....but hopefully the way God has reached these two football guys I'm working with, and they way they are changing and growing will serve as my reminder.

I've included a few pictures Ryan took at the memorial service yesterday, the story and more pictures are on the Faulkner Website: http://www.faulkner.edu/athletics/

Remember Us
To the living, we are gone.
To the sorrowful, we will never return.
To the angry, we were cheated.
To the happy, we are at peace.
To the faithful, we never left.
We cannot be seen, but we can be heard.
So as you push through the tough times, remember us.
As you celebrate life's victories, remember us.
As you cheer our Eagles, remember us.
Remember us, in your heart, your thoughts, and your memories.
The times we've shared, the times we've cried, the times we've laughed.
For if you always think of us, we will have never gone.
Ryne and T, We will never forget you.
BY GREGG BAKER, FAULKNER HEAD FOOTBALL COACH
***My Chia-Pet writes poems!!!***

I've been debating starting a blog for awhile, but I didn't really expect that anyone would read it! And maybe they still won't, but I figure with all the stuff going on in my head these last few weeks, it's probably a good time to give it a try.



It's amazing how God prepares us. Not two weeks ago Paul Evans gave an incredible message at church about tragedy. Now I find myself in the midst of one. The message was moving and applicable to so many things, but never so much so in my life, until yesterday morning. It was a Tuesday morning and because I don't have lunchtime class those days, I don't have to be in to work until 10. So I was being lazy and laying on the couch when our secretary, my good buddy Laurie Walker, called with some incredibly bad news. Two of our football players had been killed in a car accident early that morning. Teirson Hollis (20) and Ryne Wilhite (19) were coming back from Tuscaloosa when they had a head-on accident with an 18 wheeler.

T. Hollis

Ryne Wilhite

I had the privilege of working with both of these young men for injuries while they played football. Both were very polite and I cannot remember a time when T didn't address me with a "Yes Ma'am".

After I got the call and headed to work I couldn't help but think about all the times those two boys did not see Jesus in me. The times I had been short with them or hadn't given them the time they probably deserved, and now I couldn't make it right. I was weighed down all day yesterday with regret for the way I SHOULD have treated these young men, and missed the chance to. Paul's message has been ringing loud in my heart that I can redeem this tragedy by allowing it to directly effect the way I treat everyone else in my life, realizing I may only get one chance to show them Jesus. The way I treat someone and the way I make them feel, could be the last encounter I have with any given person. It's a lesson I've learned before, a lesson I should already practice, but it feels the most true today.

The concept of Paul's message I really want to convey to the team is that for every small decision you make better, every person you treat just a little nicer - your family, your teammates, anyone you give just a second thought to treating better, because of these two guys - you will be redeeming their tragedy. You will redeem the pain and the emptiness you feel right now by honoring these guys in the way we grow from here. There is a really good chance that one day you will be put in a situaiton to support someone who has lost a friend or loved one, and when you draw on the experiences of this time - you will be redeeming the death of these to men. Just like every time a soul is won for Jesus, every time someone turns their life around for Him, the blood and death of Jesus is redeemed...the same is true for T and Ryne, every time their death helps you do better and be better - this tragedy is redeemed.

I hope all that made as much sense written down as it did in my head. I hope that I don't lose the impact of what I'm learning right now as time moves on. I wish I could apologize to them for letting them down and not being for them who I should have been, but I hope to use that regret to do better from here on out.