Life is not a snapshot...

Josh Wilson released an album a couple of weeks ago "Life is not a Snapshot," it only has seven songs on it, but it didn't need many more. About three of those seven had some implications for my life tied up in them, either in conviction or comfort.

Without getting too crazy deep, I wanted to share "Right in Front of Me" with you. It was particularly meaningful to me because I had a struggle with doubt this summer that really shook me up. It started with me reading some evidence based books to help me strengthen myself and my knowledge base to help my dad understand why I believe what I believe. In the midst I found myself curious why I believe what I believe. I didn't doubt God's existence, but I couldn't explain HOW He existed. My brain likes to understand how and why something happens, what makes it work, what makes it real. I remember one pretty desperate prayer when I begged to know and just be confident, to not just satisfy my doubts for them to only resurface later, I wanted to rectify them and be done with them.

I had been reading a book about that time that had a chapter about doubts, the author touched on the idea that most people experience a period (or many) of doubt, but the key is - can you believe and have faith in the face of those doubts? I realized that in the process of searching for evidence, asking for something I could see, touch, taste, smell and know was real...that's exactly what He gave us.

This song articulates the things I realized in that week of searching and praying better than I've been able to! I've tried about three times to explain it here but can't do it without being corny or too much...so I'm just going to share the song :) I love the idea that the evidence we need is right in front of us. That is the evidence I came to appreciate - the stuff we CAN see, touch, taste, and smell really is all we need. If you find yourself doubting or confused..take a second to stop and let your senses overwhelm you with the evidence.

Some say we’ve all been searching for a God for years in vain
And some say belief is just the easy way around our pain
And sometimes I’d like to agree when they’re telling me that this is all an accident
Cause it’s hard to let this heart believe when my mind is screaming out I need more evidence

But do I really need more evidence?
I want a miracle, something impossible
So would you help me to believe?
When You say everything that’s right in front of me,
Is all the proof I’ll ever need

I hear it in the winter wind that blows, the icy snow against my skin
And I see it in that summer sun that rises high and then burns out again
And I feel it in my chest in the quiet moments that I trust in what You say

Would you help me trust in what You say?
Maybe this is what it means to question You and still believe
To search and still be satisfied, to know and yet to wonder why
To put my faith things I doubt, to love what I can’t figure out
Maybe this is what it means

To want a miracle, something impossible
But have the faith to still believe
When You say everything that’s right in front of me,
Is all the proof I’ll ever need
Don’t need a miracle, something impossible
That makes You easy to believe
When You say everything that’s right in front of me
Is all the proof I’ll ever need
You’re all the proof I’ll ever need
So would you help me to believe

So obviously one of week of praying and searching didn't cure every question I ever had, but the things I learned during that time give me the faith to believe even when I don't understand, to allow myself to study my questions and search for understanding - without losing faith.

Peace and Blessings :)

Quiet Time and Revelations

So it turns out when I take Dramamene I can read on the bus! Who knew?! I also discovered the awesomeness that is the Podcast. I didn't discover this awesomeness until it was too late to download them however...so I could only listen when we were in good coverage and I could stream them from my phone. Anyway, an Andy Stanley podcast prompted me to see if I could do a little reading...which it turns out...I could!

So the podcast was titled Defining Moments, and this particular lesson (1 0f 9) centered on understanding the truth about God, that we can't just make Him who we want Him to be. That when we refused to see the truth about who God is, we live in the consequences of our thoughts. He also pointed out, that the only way to know the truth about God is to look to the example Jesus set. So I set out in my reading of Luke on the bus Friday afternoon to try and really look at how Jesus interacted with people, who He was, what kind of glimpse that gave me of the character of God. Turns out...Jesus was approachable, patient, gentle, and willing to listen to anyone...even in a crowd of lots of people - like the blind man in Luke 18. He did not say, "no I'm busy, all these people need me and want something from me..you'll have to come back later." No, He stopped...He STOPPED what He was doing, asked for the man to be brought to Him, and he He healed him. So if I'm trying to be more like Jesus, if I'm trying to be a glimpse of Jesus to a group of young men who might not have another chance to see Him...should I not work harder at being APPROACHABLE and willing to listen even when I'm busy? So often, I get so caught up in how busy I am, that their needs and questions become more of a hastle than a ministry. I'm selfish...so how do I become more selfless and approachable, like Jesus?

I moved on to the Psalms. One of the Psalms I read was Psalm 37. Words like trust, commit, be still, and WAIT...seemed to jump off the page all over the place. There are certain things I really want out of life, and God knows these things, He is perfectly aware of the desires of my heart...what I need to do is learn to WAIT, to BE STILL, to TRUST, to COMMIT myself to Him and His way...and this same Psalm offers this promise: "...delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." 37:4. Who knows my heart better? Who knows what I want better? Who knows what I need better? There's not another answer, only God knows those things and He knows them better than even I do.

So now to put it together..in order to be more like Jesus and be more approachable, patient, gentle, kind, and willing to listen...I have to learn to be less selfish. To be less selfish, I have to learn to turn over the desires of my heart to my God and trust their fulfillment to Him. If I spend my time trying to fulfill them myself, there's no time left to become who He wants me to become. Easy to say I know...not so easy to do. I tried to leave a lot of things to Him a week ago and came back for them not long after. My prayer is to learn and develop the confidence and trust in God it requires to really leave my needs, wants, and desires to Him, to allow me the time and energy to become more like Him and more like who He wants me to be.

So Friday's quiet time led to some awesome revelations, some freedom, and some new things to work on. The grip that some of my wants and hopes had on me started to losen up yesterday and were replaced by a sense of freedom that could only be granted by God and I'm trying to stay here, BE STILL, and wait in this freedom and let Him take control.

Peace and Blessings

ashley :)

Hittin' the road again...

We are up and moving early in the fieldhouse this morning. It's time for the Eagles to hit the pavement again. This time up a road I know all too well...65 North...I wonder if they'll be interested in my favorite pit stops? Probably not :) haha Anyway, we are on our way to face the #10 team in the country after a heartbreaking and embarassing loss to the folks across town. This week will say a lot about the character of our team...do we have it in us to step up to the plate and face last week's disappointment in the face of a GIANT opponent? I know a lot of the guys have what it takes individually, but tomorrow will be a test of gut strength of our team as a whole...and I really won't be surprised if we show out!

This season so far has provided me a lot of opportunities to connect with some of the guys. Some returners and some new guys, different struggles and injuries have brought many through my door...some I've connected with better than others...limited only by own temper and compassion. My prayer is still that today I will handle stressful situations better than yesterday and tomorrow better than today. I feel like that's the best way to get after it. I really don't want to sit down at Wings on Nov. 14th and feel like I failed these guys again like last year. I've done better some days, some days are the same...but it's only game 3 and we have 8 more to go...so hopefully I can make these last two months count, because the lesson I learned last year is you never know when it could be your last time to make a difference in a kids life.

Here we go...

GO EAGLES!!! :)

Dreams

Joe Beam spoke at church yesterday about dreams. He challenged the congregation to evaluate their dreams and their courage. Do we have God inspired dreams? And do we have the courage to follow them? What is God pressing on our hearts to accomplish...are we willing to go the distance to get it done?

I would say my dream is very abstract, there are a lot of components to what I want to do, what I want my life to mean. I'm not sure how to define it, how to pull it all together, but over the last 24 hours I've spent a lot of time thinking about it. Problem one: all of the things I let distract my focus. I don't think if God revealed my dream to me I would be able to see it for the fog of distraction. So step one right now is de-fog. I laid a lot of things at the foot of the cross yesterday, realizing I cannot accomplish anything for God if I'm caught up trying to obtain the things I hope to get out of this life. That being said, I'm already having a hard time not going back for them! I need to be willing to sacrifice all of my wants and desires for God's greater purpose - I'm finding some things are easier to give up than others. My prayer right now is that I will not only have the courage, but the strength and the follow through to really be willing to lay all of those things at God's feet and trust Him with them.

Problem two: making sense of all the "dreams" I have, differentiating between dreams and wishes, Ashley dreams and God dreams, and immediate dreams and long term dreams. There are a lot of things I would love to get involved with and make a difference in - foster care, female inmates (women and teens), orphans, third-world healthcare, homeless care, and hospice care...so how do I pick a focus, how do I chose which I am the best suited for? Can I combine some and still be effective? I think what I've found is that the core of my dream is taking God's love to people who are starving for it. Leeland has a new song called "Love is on the Move" that really convicted me Friday when I heard it for the first time. What am I doing to take God's love on the move? How am I taking His love to those who need it the most? Nothing...because I'm too worried about my own personal wants and desires. I've got to re-focus and completely shift the way I look at the world. I want my life to be about sharing God's love and not about fulfilliing my own desires. Now all I'm left with is..how do I do it? The strength and self-control has to come from God, I know that..but it's going to take some work on my part too.

For the time being, I'm taking it one day at a time, one moment at a time, one decision at a time because I know I can't wake up this morning expecting to have accomplished it all.