the real me..

This has obviously been an overly emotional week for many of us here at Faulkner. We held a memorial service in the gym yesterday for T and Ryne. Both of the families came in to town for the service and Laurie and Doug did a great job taking care of them while they were here. I was able to spend some time with all of the families over the last few days and they are all amazing people, it's no wonder T and Ryne were such great guys. I was blessed to know T and Ryne and now even more blessed to know their families and their personal stories. I've learned a lot about me this last week and have come face to face with how my orginal assumptions and judgements of people didn't really hold true.

I really believe that while God does not cause tragedies like this to happen, that He will use tragedies like this to reach people and change lives. I can already see Him working amongst some of our athletes. One athlete in particular who I have been so guilty of judging all semseter has been affected really deeply by the events of the last week and is making some huge progress. While I am so excited about the way God is working in his heart, I am also seriously convicted and feel so guilty and unworthy for my relationship with this particular athlete prior to all of this. He and I had an argument on the sideline during a game last fall and I have seen him go up and down, from very respectful - to utterly disrespectful and difficult to deal with all year. Instead of sticking by him and pushing through that stuff - I withdrew. I've done that more than I would like to acknowledge this last year. Instead of reaching out to kids when they probably need me the most, I let go and pull back and only fuel the sense they have that there is no one for them to rely on. Now as two of these guys really start to make strides and are really trying to change their lives, I'm so greatful God has given me a second chance to help them...but so angry at myself for missing the first one.

The real me didn't do a good job at fulfilling my goal for football this last year, which was to really reach people and make a difference in these guys lives. The real me got too caught up in the lack of respect the guys were giving me and the lack of control I had over the situation. In the moments when God probably could have used me the most, I let go. Now, I obviously can't get that time back and it would be pointless to continue to stand still while I hang my head over my failures...but God has redeemed those failures and shown me that even when I fail..He is victorious and He has been able to reach these guys in spite of my weaknesses. I learned a hard lesson of how I treat people when I looked back at my memories of Ryne and T...I wasn't ever mean to them in the real sense of the word, but I definately didn't give them the love, attention, and patience I should have, and they definately didn't see the reflection of Jesus in me I have always hoped to portray...and I don't get another chance with them. But I get another chance with everyone else because of them and because of what their deaths have taught me.

I hope the lessons I've learned this last week about how really unworthy I am for God's love and acceptance will stay with me. I know with time the pain and the hurt will fade, but I pray the lessons I've learned this week will stick around and I can honor T and Ryne by the way I treat people and the way I love people from here on out...that they're memory can live in every nice word and every extra patient moment. I don't know how to keep myself from snap judgements, or even holding on to what I have rationalized to myself as justified judgements, to keep myself free to love like Jesus and forgive like Him....but hopefully the way God has reached these two football guys I'm working with, and they way they are changing and growing will serve as my reminder.

I've included a few pictures Ryan took at the memorial service yesterday, the story and more pictures are on the Faulkner Website: http://www.faulkner.edu/athletics/

Remember Us
To the living, we are gone.
To the sorrowful, we will never return.
To the angry, we were cheated.
To the happy, we are at peace.
To the faithful, we never left.
We cannot be seen, but we can be heard.
So as you push through the tough times, remember us.
As you celebrate life's victories, remember us.
As you cheer our Eagles, remember us.
Remember us, in your heart, your thoughts, and your memories.
The times we've shared, the times we've cried, the times we've laughed.
For if you always think of us, we will have never gone.
Ryne and T, We will never forget you.
BY GREGG BAKER, FAULKNER HEAD FOOTBALL COACH
***My Chia-Pet writes poems!!!***