"I want to be different today from what I was yesterday..."

"...as the fruit of the Spirit becomes more manifest in me."

I think these post on top of each other...so if you're just getting here, the post before this is a little explanation about why I'm doing this. If you'd rather not go back - these are a few of my thoughts from Chapter 1 of Forgotten God by Francis Chan.

Ok, so this is working backward a little bit, as this is one of the closing sentences in the first paragraph...but it sure did sum up what I've been trying to get at. I'm not who I want to be. I desperately want to be a person of compassion, gentle, hard to anger, and unselfish. Recently during a communion time at church I was so frustrated with myself because I felt like every week during that time I was praying for the same thing - this week I want to do better, I want to be better. Then the next Sunday would come around and I'd find myself in the same place.

In the introduction Chan talks a lot about the power of people who are possessed by the Holy Spirit and the incredible things that the 1st Christians were able to accomplish through that power. That when we try and do things on our own, we only get human sized results, but to think of what could be accomplished if we let God work through His Spirit in us??

One thing that really stood out to me was this: "the Spirit is more obviously active where people are desperate, humble, and not distracted by their pursuit of wealth or comforts."

I really feel like the distance I was feeling in my relationship with God was my pursuit of my own personal wants, comforts, and desires. A couple of posts back I touched on that part of my life, so I won't revisit it here, but we need to get out of the way! I was just thinking the other day - we are supposed to be good stewards right? Usually we think about our money, but what about our lives? God is blessing us with breath and life and resources every day to live out His will, and I've been wasting a whole lot of that (ok - the majority of it) on myself. What could God have accomplished through me by now if I had been a better steward of my life?

What do you think about this: "I don't want to keep crawling when I have the ability to fly."

How do we go about getting out of the way?

A Preface...

So I looked up "preface" in the dictionary before I started this post. I've never been certain what it actually means, but almost all the books I read have them. I figured it was a fancy word for introduction - turns out it is derived from a Latin phrase meaning "the words spoken before hand," so I guess I wasn't too far off :)

Now that we have that cleared up :) I think a little introduction, or preface if you will, is in order. Just in case your wondering why this book, why a blog, why now?

Prior to my reading this book our church worked through a sermon series on the Holy Spirit. Now, if you go to Landmark with me you already know Buddy is awesome, or at least I think so anyway :) Over the couple of years I've been going to Landmark he's preached a lot of sermons that have been not only very moving but also really influential in my life, this series though - life changing.

Over the few weeks Buddy talked about the Holy Spirit it became VERY apparent to me that this is an area of my faith that has been beyond neglected, almost bordering on non-existent. I spent a lot of time over the summer in prayer and preparation to be a better person, athletic trainer, servant, and friend during the upcoming football season than I had in years past. In doing so I spent a lot of time mulling over Galatians 5:22-23: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Once the season rolled around I was only met with frustration and disappointment when I couldn't be who I wanted to be. In one of his sermons Buddy touched on that and how he had preached a sermon years ago about obtaining the fruits of the Spirit when it occurred to him that they are the fruits OF THE Spirit, and that you can't "get" them - they are what come from you when you are filled with the the Spirit, qualities that His presence creates. All of my frustrations and disappointment kind of made sense in that moment, I was trying to be all of those things instead of letting the Holy Spirit be them through me.

In short, all of the self evaluation that went on during that time revealed a lot of areas of my faith that need to be developed and nourished - my relationship with the Holy Spirit being at the top of that list. About the same time a few of my friends were reading Francis Chan's new book, Forgotten God, and I was hearing some great things about it. So, here I am. Very few, if any, people will probably venture to this blog and it may be more of a journal than a blog - which is still good for me :) but I hope that we can discuss some stuff, and being a bit selfish here, I can grow from your experiences and your thoughts. We worked through a book in LifeGroup the few weeks leading up to the break and hearing the way other people saw and understood things helped me learn a lot. I love to learn from other people's experiences and ideas, and my hope is this could be a place for that. I'm not sure how to go about developing a real and significant relationship with the Holy Spirit. I don't know how to nourish this part of my faith and have it grow. Reading this book is only part of my journey and search, and I'm thinking that your thoughts and insights are going to help me along the way as well....so bring it on!! :)

I'm fairly novice at blogging, so please bear with me :)

Since this one appears to be getting a bit lengthy, I'll let that serve as my background and start some discussion in the next post.

I have decided to follow Jesus...

The last couple of weeks have brought about a lot of revelations for me. I'm realizing more and more how wasteful I am not only with my money but with my time. I've been really convicted over the last few weeks about how I use the resources God has blessed me with, and I'll be honest..I haven't been real pleased with what I've discovered. I think if tomorrow were the end of my time here, most of my life and the blessings God has poured out on me would have been wasted on pursuing selfish ambition and fulfilling selfish desires. I've decided though, not to spend so much time thinking about what I could have accomplished by now but more on what can I do from here.

I heard the song "I have Decided to Follow Jesus" on an album I downloaded recently and heard it in a whole new way. I've generally considered it a celebration song for new believers, but I think it could be a daily anthem for new to seasoned believers as well. In order for me to make better use of my time, my love, my money, and my life I am going to have to decide to follow Jesus and not look back, with "the cross before me, the world behind me." I feel like so many times God has revealed things like this to me and I've been moved for a moment, but not really moved out of place. I think about it for awhile and it changes a few decisions I make, but I haven't let it REALLY change me or my life. God has been a part of my life for a long time, but I don't know if I can honestly say He has ever been my life...and I'm ready for that to change. I'm tired of the lip service, I'm tired of the empty promises to God, myself, and my peers. I have to decide, right now, what is my life going to be about? About me? About my desires and ambitions? Or about God and serving His people? I think the choice is clear...my problem is turning intention into action. But, in the words of another new favorite song, "the time is now."

My Landmark family blew me away yesterday. We had our Advent Consipiracy contribution and it was amazing to see person after person walk to the stage and give from their abundance, give what would have been spent on something meaningless, and literally change the lives of others. I felt like my heart was going to bust wide open yesterday with the love in that room and the love I felt God pouring into my heart. So many times I wish I had "someone" to share that love with, but why hold on to it for a time and relationship that may or may not be a part of my journey? Why not give it away now to those who are desperately seeking God's love?

Anyway, I just got an email this afternoon outlining the donation amounts from yesterday. wow. That's really all I have to say. It is amazing to see what can be done when people are willing to let their hearts move their checkbook. The generosity and the love of the people in my church family will be felt world wide this year, now how cool is that?

"The time is now to hold your sheild.
The time is now to draw your sword.
Let's be the resistance, oh Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord."

Amazing Lyrics...

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alrightLife is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling

And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Just loved the message and the application to almost any and all struggles.
Thought I'd share in hopes they might be the words you needed to hear..

Cleaning House...

I was already crying on my way to church this morning, which should have been an indication that today's service was going to be an exceptionally emotional one. Buddy has been preaching on the Holy Spirit lately and today's message was a real wake up call. He got me right at the end when he asked who we are letting guide our lives...the Holy Spirit? Satan? our Friends? Ouselves?

C: All of the Above...well almost.

He mentioned how frustrating it can be just following Jesus. We see who He is, who we want to be like, but we don't know how to get there. I've been asking that question for months. I know where I am, I know where and who I want to be, but I've been so frustrated trying to figure out how to get there. I want to be the kind of person a friend can count on, I want to be the kind of person who encourages, the kind of person God's love just pours out of, the kind of person who is difficult to anger or fluster - who stays peaceful and gentle in the most stressful of circumstances, an approachable person, a person who sees people the way Jesus sees them - who feels their pain and their joy with them...but how do I get from the wretched excuse I am now...to that person...the person who immulates Christ? Apparently I've been using the wrong guides.

When Buddy posed the question, I immediately generated a mental list of the influences on my life...Holy Spirit wasn't anywhere near the top. How about myself? Using my wants and desires as a guide...seeking my own satisfaction. So then there's Satan because he is using that weakness and guiding me through my ambition for self-satisfaction. Friends, family, and people who's specific attention I crave so deeply. Then...maybe...if I tried really hard to find an example...I might be able to list the Holy Spirit.

My prayer this morning? Clear all the junk out, get rid of all the false guides, the false beacons and compasses to make room for the only guiding light I should be focusing on. So I can hear Him, feel Him, and experience the Holy Spirit in a way I never knew was possible...and maybe as a result...find a deeper relationship with Christ. I've prayed to know Christ better, to love Him deeper, for a more intimate and meaningful relationship with Him...this is obviously the other cleat I'm missing :) That's for Buddy and his analogy :)

I prayed desperately this morning on my way to church to be freed from something that has had me in chains for a long time. I was angry with God...I'd been praying so hard and so long for Him to free me, to help me free myself, to show me a way out and I felt like my prayers were bouncing off a glass ceiling right back at me. Until this morning. I felt like He has been laying the ground work for weeks and months for where He let me get this morning. He had to let me get to a place of desperation to realize the meaning and the hope of the Holy Spirit. I needed Him to show me that even though I feel like everything I've hoped and waited for is so close...that if it doesn't come to pass it would be ok. I needed that peace and that comfort...so today Prince of Peace was the name of Christ that held the most meaning to me.

So to quote Bebo Norman :) This is definately all about letting go...but it's also all about holding on. Letting go of the wrong things and holding tightly to my Savior and His travel guide.


Peace and Blessings,

Ashley

Life is not a snapshot...

Josh Wilson released an album a couple of weeks ago "Life is not a Snapshot," it only has seven songs on it, but it didn't need many more. About three of those seven had some implications for my life tied up in them, either in conviction or comfort.

Without getting too crazy deep, I wanted to share "Right in Front of Me" with you. It was particularly meaningful to me because I had a struggle with doubt this summer that really shook me up. It started with me reading some evidence based books to help me strengthen myself and my knowledge base to help my dad understand why I believe what I believe. In the midst I found myself curious why I believe what I believe. I didn't doubt God's existence, but I couldn't explain HOW He existed. My brain likes to understand how and why something happens, what makes it work, what makes it real. I remember one pretty desperate prayer when I begged to know and just be confident, to not just satisfy my doubts for them to only resurface later, I wanted to rectify them and be done with them.

I had been reading a book about that time that had a chapter about doubts, the author touched on the idea that most people experience a period (or many) of doubt, but the key is - can you believe and have faith in the face of those doubts? I realized that in the process of searching for evidence, asking for something I could see, touch, taste, smell and know was real...that's exactly what He gave us.

This song articulates the things I realized in that week of searching and praying better than I've been able to! I've tried about three times to explain it here but can't do it without being corny or too much...so I'm just going to share the song :) I love the idea that the evidence we need is right in front of us. That is the evidence I came to appreciate - the stuff we CAN see, touch, taste, and smell really is all we need. If you find yourself doubting or confused..take a second to stop and let your senses overwhelm you with the evidence.

Some say we’ve all been searching for a God for years in vain
And some say belief is just the easy way around our pain
And sometimes I’d like to agree when they’re telling me that this is all an accident
Cause it’s hard to let this heart believe when my mind is screaming out I need more evidence

But do I really need more evidence?
I want a miracle, something impossible
So would you help me to believe?
When You say everything that’s right in front of me,
Is all the proof I’ll ever need

I hear it in the winter wind that blows, the icy snow against my skin
And I see it in that summer sun that rises high and then burns out again
And I feel it in my chest in the quiet moments that I trust in what You say

Would you help me trust in what You say?
Maybe this is what it means to question You and still believe
To search and still be satisfied, to know and yet to wonder why
To put my faith things I doubt, to love what I can’t figure out
Maybe this is what it means

To want a miracle, something impossible
But have the faith to still believe
When You say everything that’s right in front of me,
Is all the proof I’ll ever need
Don’t need a miracle, something impossible
That makes You easy to believe
When You say everything that’s right in front of me
Is all the proof I’ll ever need
You’re all the proof I’ll ever need
So would you help me to believe

So obviously one of week of praying and searching didn't cure every question I ever had, but the things I learned during that time give me the faith to believe even when I don't understand, to allow myself to study my questions and search for understanding - without losing faith.

Peace and Blessings :)

Quiet Time and Revelations

So it turns out when I take Dramamene I can read on the bus! Who knew?! I also discovered the awesomeness that is the Podcast. I didn't discover this awesomeness until it was too late to download them however...so I could only listen when we were in good coverage and I could stream them from my phone. Anyway, an Andy Stanley podcast prompted me to see if I could do a little reading...which it turns out...I could!

So the podcast was titled Defining Moments, and this particular lesson (1 0f 9) centered on understanding the truth about God, that we can't just make Him who we want Him to be. That when we refused to see the truth about who God is, we live in the consequences of our thoughts. He also pointed out, that the only way to know the truth about God is to look to the example Jesus set. So I set out in my reading of Luke on the bus Friday afternoon to try and really look at how Jesus interacted with people, who He was, what kind of glimpse that gave me of the character of God. Turns out...Jesus was approachable, patient, gentle, and willing to listen to anyone...even in a crowd of lots of people - like the blind man in Luke 18. He did not say, "no I'm busy, all these people need me and want something from me..you'll have to come back later." No, He stopped...He STOPPED what He was doing, asked for the man to be brought to Him, and he He healed him. So if I'm trying to be more like Jesus, if I'm trying to be a glimpse of Jesus to a group of young men who might not have another chance to see Him...should I not work harder at being APPROACHABLE and willing to listen even when I'm busy? So often, I get so caught up in how busy I am, that their needs and questions become more of a hastle than a ministry. I'm selfish...so how do I become more selfless and approachable, like Jesus?

I moved on to the Psalms. One of the Psalms I read was Psalm 37. Words like trust, commit, be still, and WAIT...seemed to jump off the page all over the place. There are certain things I really want out of life, and God knows these things, He is perfectly aware of the desires of my heart...what I need to do is learn to WAIT, to BE STILL, to TRUST, to COMMIT myself to Him and His way...and this same Psalm offers this promise: "...delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." 37:4. Who knows my heart better? Who knows what I want better? Who knows what I need better? There's not another answer, only God knows those things and He knows them better than even I do.

So now to put it together..in order to be more like Jesus and be more approachable, patient, gentle, kind, and willing to listen...I have to learn to be less selfish. To be less selfish, I have to learn to turn over the desires of my heart to my God and trust their fulfillment to Him. If I spend my time trying to fulfill them myself, there's no time left to become who He wants me to become. Easy to say I know...not so easy to do. I tried to leave a lot of things to Him a week ago and came back for them not long after. My prayer is to learn and develop the confidence and trust in God it requires to really leave my needs, wants, and desires to Him, to allow me the time and energy to become more like Him and more like who He wants me to be.

So Friday's quiet time led to some awesome revelations, some freedom, and some new things to work on. The grip that some of my wants and hopes had on me started to losen up yesterday and were replaced by a sense of freedom that could only be granted by God and I'm trying to stay here, BE STILL, and wait in this freedom and let Him take control.

Peace and Blessings

ashley :)